Michele is staying ove for another night, I cannot wait until Melissa leaves. i am goign to have the apartment all to myself, it is going to be so refreshing.
Today I worked at the Rendell campaign all day. I was yelled at by some Ward Chair. That bastard made me so mad, i was angry for the rest of the night. I didn’t get any of Joe’s notebook inputed like I wanted to, so now I feel like I am behind, and I want to get everything done for the campaign.
I talked with mom briefly today, I lied to her and reassured her that my grades were fine. I have to really kick everything in to gear so that I can get A from hear on out. I need another 3.4 for this semester. that would make everything much better and easier on me. I am really scared about “approaches to antisemitism” It has proved to me that I am not scholar, and I will never be able to be the academic that i want to be.
I am going to try and work on my research project this week. I may also go to a bar or somethign and try to meet someone. I am not sure, it just feels like i need to start dating again. Ever since I heard abotu Troy’s boyfriend, and now that I hear he asked Miguel if I was dating anyone. It just proves to me that he never did love me, and that I was a fool for loving him. The fact that he could get back on the proverbial horse already makes me hurt, but I will deal with it. I just wish I would have never allowed myself to actually love him. Thank god he is slow witted or, he would have realized how vulnerable he actually made me. All I did was want to open up for him and let down all of my “natural” defenses. I did and screwed myself, but I think enough damage control has been done that few realize how I open I become when I am in love.
I wish I could love and be loved in return, it seems like I am one of the last people on earth that can love unconditionally. Even with Jennifer her affections wained when she moved away. And Troy did not even love me, so I guess I can love, I just can not be love din return. I am not sure if that is something I can correct, fate my have control of my destiny in that area.