I am smiling. I have been smiling a lot since Tuesday. Oy vey, I hate getting like this, it has been so crazy. On Tuesday night David came over, you have no idea how good it felt. I mean the guy is so great, and I don’t even know him that well. We just sit and talk about queer theory and class issues. He sees the real problems, and wants to engage them. I cannot even look at him, at first I thought it was because of us having sex. Then I realized it was not that, when I look at him I want to stare, and I know that would creep him out.

I do not know why I am thinking about him like this. Tonight I went to see the Lord of the Rings movie with Hibbard, and for the 3 hours, that I was watching it I was thinking about David. I thought about him in the car and while I sat and read today. And I keep saying, “He said call. When should I call?” I mean it is my stupidity to have such a thing for a great guy that of course lives 3 hours from me, and neither of us drives.

I just cannot get him out of my head. I think about him, not in the fuck buddy way I think of so many guys in Pittsburgh, but in the oh he’d go out dancing and I’d be home reading scenario. But what the hell context is that?!?! We’re sharing a home?!? See it is ludicrous, I am acting absolutely batty, I just have such a thing for him. I cannot believe I am acting so stupid about all of this. I hate men so much.

Am I smitten? Dare shall I say, have I succumb to the one thing I believe in that the rest of the world does not: love at first sight? But it wasn’t first sight, I have been in David’s presence for quite some time. I remember my jealousy toward him with his friendship with Jennifer. Was that a method for me to form dislike toward someone I had an attraction for? I mean that was years ago.

I wish I knew. Is it infatuation? A crush? Love? Stupid word, I hate the ferociousness our culture has put on that word.


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