The pit is getting deeper. I do not know if I will ever get out of this depression, I cannot do anything anymore it seems. My grades are plummeting, and I do not care. Ever since I decided there was not going to be a graduate school, I cannot begin to motivate myself to care. I sit here at Kiva Han drinking espresso with far too much crack and cream in it and smoking until it hurts. I do not want to be depressed, but I am.
I know that I am minute and worthless. My body has started to succumb to this. I have no energy anymore. When I was depressed in the past it always stayed in my mind. This time the cloud has expanded past my last prison of independence, and has started to spread throughout me like a cancer. So I want to die? No I do not. But I do not think I want to exist any longer. Mary Jo did not help me, and I think I am the only one to wage this war. I do not want to work, study, or read. I want to slip quietly into the shadows of nonexistence and just be.
I am smoking a lot of pot to get away from everything. I think I am smoking enough that it is starting to alter reality. I am seeing things, that I do know exist in the real world, but my memories record them with great suspicion and disbelief. Am I experiencing life any longer? I do not know…
I want to cry right now, sitting outside of the café. I just want to start bawling, but I have no idea what I would do. Just sit here and look like a fool. Would being in love fix this? I have no idea if it would or not, I do not think I am in any state to fall in love. Being in love takes two people, and right now I am not even a fraction of one person. I just want to be taken care of, I have cared for myself for so long and now I cannot do it.
Do I want to live life? I do not know if I ever have, and that is what I am seeking right now. I think I am looking for life.