Ahh tis a quiet rainy night in Pittsburgh. I love to lie in my bed and listen to the rain patter in the courtyard outside of my window. I got through class today with little harangue and came home to make myself a nice dinner. Michele came over and when all was done we retired to my room.
Michele thought it would be a good idea for me to look at the gay personal ads and try to see if I found any boys interesting. I resisted with little effort and before you knew it we were surfing gay.com, planetout.com, personals.yahoo.com, and xy.com in search for the perfect boy for me. We were briefly interrupted by Sarah bitching about wanting the phone line, but I attribute it to her insanity and period. I ignored her with a little apprehension and Michele and I just talked.
When Constantine got home we had a little queer intervention. Michele and him both they could psychoanalyze me and they came very close to discovering my depression, but turned briefly away. They think I am on some love quest and that I sabotage every moment of life, because of my eternal fear of ‘connection’. There is a lot of truth in these statements but I do not believe it is the absolute understanding of my life.
I have romanticized my summer in Berkeley. I loved being a below average guy who was liked for his personality, but not because of my merits. But at the same time, I enjoyed it because it allowed me to briefly run from the primary existence here. It is quite a puzzle to look at.
The most interesting analysis came from their interpretations of my outer appearance. Why do I wear kimonos and crazy hats, weird sunglasses, or ugly clothes? They believe it is because it is how I my true uniqueness. Rather a diversion. I believe I am different, but I am SO different that I can divert everyone’s attention from me and they can focus on these other visual obscurities. I am not sure if this is true but is an interesting notion to introspect on.
Michele knows I want a boyfriend, and she is trying really hard to find one for me. But clearly I am the problem and only I can resolve it.
Posted on 11.11.2003 at 7:26 AM