So I have been sitting on a thought for about a week. Last Saturday Neal and I went to the symphony to hear Verdi’s Requiem, which would happen to be an absolutely magnificent concert. I had a really good time and the piece was absolutely extraordinary. He did not hold my hand at the concert, which bothered me a bit, but if I think about it, I did not try to hold his hand either so I should not hold him to a double standard. When we were finished we had a nice time party bouncing, and when we were done we came back to my place. We were just goofing off and making out, when I asked him a question. Admittedly we were both pretty drunk and stoned at the time, but I asked him if ‘this’ was more than sex to him. He was acting stubborn and would not answer me, he just smiled and said nothing. I began to beg him for an answer, saying I didn’t care what the answer was just as long as I knew. This of course was a horrendous lie, but I did really want an answer. We relaxed in silence for a bit, and then he said the strangest thing. I know I cannot not replicate it exactly, but I think I can paraphrase the comment very well.
He said I was very obsessed with words and that sometimes the “feeling” is enough for one to communicate. Is this true? Is my relative understanding of love based on actual verbal communication? I believe Neal is absolutely write, for some reason he is correct. This scares me to death. For one, I feel like I am one of the last romantics in the world. I believe in love at first sight, partners assigned by fate, and the rest of the story book foundations of falling in love. If I am truly one of these believers why do I almost require these assurances?
Like I said, I have been thinking about this for a week. And I think I have a few answers. The answer is I do not trust myself. I think my feelings are singular and unique, and I do not trust I have the ability to read someone else’s feelings. I need the verbalized communication of “I love you” so when love backfires (which I consider to be a constant, because I have always been hurt with love) I can say it is their fault and that they were the ones who lied to me. Forcing direct communication allows me to mask my love for them in contemptuous hate.
I still believe communication is very important, but maybe I should just relax and trust the flux of feelings I have with Neal for a bit. I don’t know, this all seems to be very odd.